When I was a boy…
Whenever my sister and I heard those words from my father, we always had to suppress a “here we go again” sigh. My father grew up in the Great Depression and those words always signaled an imminent lecture on how hard his childhood was and how easy I had it in comparison. These lectures usually occurred whenever I complained about not getting something I wanted. However, the reverse would be true if I were to speak those words to students today. I would want to talk about how much better my childhood was than the typical childhood of today.
When I was a boy, beginning at around the age of 8, after the training wheels came off my bike, I had complete freedom to ride anywhere around my neighborhood. There was one main road that I was not allowed to cross, and other than that, I could go anywhere I wanted. As I grew older, that permitted area expanded to just about anywhere I wanted to go. My friends and I rode for miles and miles, played army, cowboys and Indians, and later basketball and football all around the city. I was required to be home in time for supper, and other than that my parents did not know where I was during a typical day. There was no adult supervision. We basically supervised ourselves.
Unfortunately, the world is a lot different today, and that type of childhood is gone, probably forever. Because of safety concerns, parents today simply can’t allow their children the kind of free roaming life that I had. For most children under high school age, an adult directly supervises their lives every minute of every day. I am not criticizing parents for this. The circumstances of our world today leave parents little choice.
Nevertheless, I am becoming increasingly concerned about the future of children raised in this type of tight control. I learned a lot in the days I spent with my friends out of the direct control of adults. As we played together unsupervised, we made up our own rules for the games we were playing. We enforced our own rules too. I learned a number of vital life lessons during this process. I learned that I was not the center of the universe and that if I wanted friends and wanted to play, I couldn’t always have my way. I learned to compromise, to negotiate, and experienced the consequences of not treating my friends fairly. I learned to share, to allow others to be right sometimes, and that I didn’t always have to win. I learned that friendship requires work – that I was not guaranteed friends just because I existed. I had to treat others well if I expected to have friends. I learned that whining, complaining, and throwing temper tantrums was not appreciated by my peers. These are all crucial life skills that I am concerned are not being learned by today’s children.
Why not? Because it is simply too difficult for adults, whether parents, coaches, or teachers, to resist interfering whenever any sort of issue arises. Adult interference is so commonplace in the lives of children today that they have learned to accept it and quietly allow the adults to solve every problem that arises. There is no need for a child to negotiate, to compromise, to solve problems, because the adult supervisor will always step in to fix whatever problem might occur. I fear that the current generation of kids will grow up not knowing how to do any of these things. I worry that when they enter the adult world they won’t have any real experience in these critical social skills. Childhood is supposed to be training for life, and if they don’t learn those basic skills as they are growing up, when will they learn them?
I am also concerned that children are not developing one of the most critical elements of adolescence, what psychologists call a “sense of self.” During adolescence, a child is supposed to learn that he or she is not merely a clone of his or her parents, but instead is a unique individual with his or her own personal likes, dislikes, talents, and abilities that are different than his or her parents. It is important for children to discover, not just that those differences exist, but exactly what those traits are. While discovering these traits is an ongoing process continuing into adulthood, this discovery process really needs to begin in earnest during adolescence.
Dr. Madeline Levine, a well respected child psychologist and author, says it this way: “Parents who persistently fall on the side of intervening for their child, as opposed to supporting their child’s attempts to problem-solve, interfere with the most important task of childhood and adolescence: the development of a sense of self. Autonomy, along with competence in interpersonal relationships, are considered to be inborn human needs. Their development is central to psychological health.” I would add that it’s not just parents, but all adults who are supervising children that contribute to this problem because very few adults can resist interfering when placed in a supervisory role.
Dr. Levine is very concerned because she is seeing a great deal more depression in teenagers than she used to see a decade ago. She sees more and more kids that have significant emotional problems manifesting in all sorts of bizarre behavior such as cutting themselves and acting out in very anti-social ways.
The cause of children having social problems can often be traced to their super-controlled lives. Children who have adults controlling every aspect of their lives feel that the world revolves around them and expect everyone they come into contact with to cater to them, including their peers. Too many children today don’t realize that making friends and maintaining relationships requires WORK on their part. All too often, children believe they should have friends merely because they exist. The old adage “If you want a friend, you have to BE a friend” makes little sense to an over-controlled child. Except for unusual circumstances, a child who is having difficulties making friends should examine him or herself first, and not the child’s peers. Children must be taught that the way to make friends is to go out and be kind to others. A child who focuses on what others need instead of worrying about their own needs will never have to worry about having friends.
Now, rest assured, my parents would have been fixers and interveners too, especially my mother, but they simply did not have the opportunity to constantly intervene in my life. Too many of today’s parents feel they must be constantly in control of every aspect of their children’s lives and this concerns me greatly. So, if we can’t change the way the world is, what do we do about it?
I believe parents, especially those of middle school age children, must recognize the damage that constant controlling causes and make some conscious attitude changes. By middle school, parents must begin to consciously shift their roles from that of fixers, interveners, and controllers, to role of guiders and advisors. Parents should become the wise sage, who gives their child advice and council, but they should also be willing to allow their child to ignore their advice (if it’s safe) and to suffer the consequences. As much as possible, intervention should occur only when there is a safety issue. Otherwise, try to let your child sort things out.
Your child should be expected to handle most situations that arise that directly involve him or her. At school, this could be anything from getting a schedule changed to seeing a teacher about a grade question. The guidelines should be: 1. Is it safe? 2. Is your child capable of doing it? Notice I did not ask if your child WANTS to do it, but is your child ABLE to do it. So if the answer to both questions 1 and 2 is yes, then the child should be expected to do it without your direct help. Advice and guidance are fine, but that’s it.
Consider sending your child away to summer camp for at least 2 weeks (for middle school age children). While it’s true that good summer camps closely supervise the camper’s safety, the staff is trained to allow the campers room to breathe and have programs that encourage the children to develop their “sense of self.”
The most important aspect of all of this is the shift in attitude of the adults involved. The words interfere, fix, control, must shift to guide, advise, and mentor whenever possible. And remember, letting go is not an event, it’s a process. Parents don’t have to turn everything over to the child all at once. But the process must begin in earnest by middle school age. Otherwise parents might find themselves with a depressed, unhappy child who is not prepared for the challenges of adulthood.
At Bolles, helping children learn to accept responsibility for their own lives – for their schoolwork, for their actions, for their personal property etc. is a major element of our program. Our Mission Statement begins “The Bolles School prepares students for college and life...” This involves more than just academics. Developing the “whole child” means life skills too. Working together, we can help children become confident, self-reliant adults, in spite of the way our world is today.
Richard Anderson Principal Middle School